Wednesday, May 15, 2013

My Backstory... If You Care To Read It.

Have you ever woken up and something was totally different? Like maybe you were at a friends house and you woke up and were totally confused as to where you were. That can be so freaky! Or say you woke up in a hotel room you were staying in or a relatives house and it scared you to death until you woke up and realized your surroundings... I remember one time I woke up and had forgotten to take gum out of my mouth (probably to lazy to get up and put it in the trash) and thought the roof of my mouth was really swollen when in fact it was just the gum. Or, you slept in a strange position and a foot, hand or whole arm/leg was asleep. Well, those are all weird and strange things that can happen to someone, an event that I'm sure happens all over the world, everyday. But, those events aren't worth writing a blog over, right? So, I guess I'll let you know the reason I'm writing this blog.

Hey! I'm writing now as Brendan McAdams and last night, when I went to bed, I was a guy. Just a normal guy - 32 years old, average build but kinda bummed out on life. I wasn't a ladies man. I mean I had a few girlfriends, but I was scared of commitment and scared they'd just dump me if things got too serious so I never really pursued them much. I've gained some weight and was really out of shape as of the last 6 or 7 years and that's not something I'm happy about. I consider myself pretty athletic so this physical decline was really terrible for me, even if it is kinda of my own doing. I do have a pretty cool car though. It's a black, 2012 Mazdaspeed 3. It's pictured below with a couple of my friends cars on May the Fourth when we had a Star Wars movie party! My car can so smoke their cars!!!

And, I just bought a small house and I'm fixing it up!!! It's also in the pic, well the garage is... Another good thing was I had a decent job as a graphic designer at a fairly big design company. 
It let's me buy just about anything I want, within reason. They're very flexible with my hours, thank god and really only care that I get my work done on time. I'm also in a band. I play a Gibson Les Paul though an Orange Rockverb 50 through a 2x12 silver orange cab. I have various pedals too! I also dabble a little in photography. My primary rig are my Canon 60D, EFS 17-55 2.8 lens, and two 430ex speedlights.

Now here's the kicker...

I have terribly low self esteem. I seem to be ok, and try to be the life of the party and make everyone laugh so no one really knows it. I hide it well. I've never really liked myself that much. I mean, I think I have a great personality, but I've always been really bummed out about my body. Skinny as a rail growing up. Teased horribly. Really made me hate my body. Started feeling better about it during puberty... lol. But, still got made fun of during those years so the self-depression continued. In college, I remember having sex for the first time. While it was nice, it seemed so much better for the girl I was with at the time... That just added to my dislike for my body which turned into a dislike for the male body in general. The following times I've had sex have just been affirmation upon affirmation about what I was thinking I wanted to happen. If there was a way to switch genders, I would surely do it. I wanted to be a girl. I've looked up spells on the net, tried to summon spirits (even... demons) and tons of other stuff... none of which worked. So, last night, I was looking out my living room window, dreaming about life as a girl and saw a shooting star blazing across the dark, star-filled night sky. I wanted to just dismiss what I felt I wanted to do, which was to wish upon it, but I decided, what the hell, I've done everything else - what's it gonna hurt! Here's what I said... 
It's something that I'll never forget:

"I wish to be a beautiful girl. Fun-loving, full of life. A free spirit. Still me in personality, but a girl me. And, I want my clothes to still fit me as a girl, especially my favorite clothes! And, I want my identity to change magically... and... also, I would like to..." 

I hung my head down, stopping my "wish." I felt so stupid. My hopes were up in the stratosphere but I'd come to realize that I couldn't trust a hope. They were forsaken in these lands. It seemed it would be my lot in life to suffer. So, to bed I went - depressed and sad that I thought a stupid wish on a star could so radically change my helpless reality. Then, this morning, I awoke...

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