Monday, July 29, 2013

Fully Clothed and Watching Letterman by Myself

This sucks. I miss Olivia real bad. Watching Letterman just isn't the same without our naked bodies together here on the couch.

Had a good day for the most part though. Did some work at work and then came back here and played some guitar and mostly just chilled.

After this, I'm off to bed on the floor in the kitchen on the air mattress... I'll talk more about that later.


The Start of Yet Another Week...

Guess what... I found another old pic on my computer of me from my last few days in high school... Here it is! Here's the old post...

Me and Emily on the last day of high school! I wonder what she's up to...

Guess what... This was my to-do list today!

You gotta love these kinda days!!!

Guess what... I called Luke up and we went to a club and listened to some bands! It was great hanging with him. 

Good time hanging with my bro!

Guess what... That's about it! Gonna get some sleep. I'll probably go in to work tomorrow. I'm probably backed up a bit...

Nighty night!

Cindy Breeland McAdams

Saturday, July 27, 2013

A Little Better Each Day!!!

I had a great day driving and going to the beach Thursday. It was good to get up to Ft. Lauderdale and away from everything here. I just found me a spot on a pubic beach, got out my chair and a towel and sat/lay there in the sun for a little while. So nice and calm and peaceful... After that, I packed up everything and did some shopping at some of the little stores there that are right up near the beach. Some of the little family owned stores. I love those! you can really find some great little treasures there sometimes!

This is the life!
I'm actually about to go out and shop some. I can't live in this house anymore with certain things still here. I need a new couch and new bedroom suit... Every-time I'm in the den and see that couch or I'm in my room and see my bed... I've been sleeping in the kitchen on an inflatable mattress for a few days now... So, that being said, I've not been sleeping so well.

I look kinda rough and still feel kinda dirty, but I think it's time to go out and face Miami... Can't keep myself from my favorite city forever!

Think I should go out with the 'stach? Will it help make me invisible to "certain" people?
I found it in my sock drawer. I sometimes still find little relics from my life as Brendan...
Still can't believe what all's happened. So crazy!


Thursday, July 25, 2013

It's a New Day...

Tonya just left. I feel better. Still shocked by all that happened, but I'm feeling better. I'm gonna go out somewhere for a little while. I gotta get out of this house. I may just drive down the coast and end up in Ft. Lauderdale and get my feet wet there... I just need to go somewhere.

So... here's a pic. I've mustered up all my strength to do a pic where I look to be doing better and enjoying life. I just want to see myself in a pic looking like I used to in pics on here. Then I'm getting out of this house!

This pic was really hard to do...
Bye! Any well wishes would be greatly appreciated! Thank you all for reading and following me here. I'm so sorry that right now it's a crappy time. Hopefully, better times better be just around the corner!

Gonna pop Pet Sounds in and hit the road!!! Zoom Zoom!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Recap... Tonya made me write this out... I decided to post it...

Tonya wanted me to write this. She thinks it will help me deal with it. So, here it is. Or, as much as I can remember...

Here's some backstory...

I went and put some jeans on and I let him in. There was a awkward silence as I opened the door. 

"Bree. Girl. I've been worried sick. I hate for people I know to be messed up. I felt so bad leaving you Saturday night but I knew your girl was here so I hoped everything would be alright."

"I'm fine. Thanks." I wanted to be cold to him, but I was having to work hard to. What I really wanted to do was hug him tight and breath his scent in. I wanted to be in his strong arms... I couldn't believe my thoughts. It was like I was totally betraying myself...

"Well, ok then. I've seen that you're doing ok. I'll just go now..."

"Deon..." He turned and looked my way. "Noth... nothing... Bye." As his hand reached the door knob, I grabbed his other arm and then put both of my arms around him and laid my head on his chest, squeezed him and started to cry a little. "I do feel something for you... It goes against everything I thought I was. Just don't go... yet. Stay for a little while, if you can..." I gently pulled him onto the couch and snuggled up against him and started to stroke his chest through his shirt while my head rested on his shoulder. I could feel his hands get free and he stroked  my back and started to play with my hair. My mind was telling me this was the time... time to make love with him. My heart was screaming obscenities, but I could even tell that it too was backing down, coming to grips that my mind seemed to be somehow winning this battle... I wasn't even sure if there was a battle anymore. This moment and these thoughts seemed like the right course of action... 

I looked up at him and he looked at me. We looked into each others eyes, not blinking for what seemed like an eternity. I eventually scooted upward a bit and my lips made contact with his and at that moment, I knew I was about to have sex with a man...

Things moved along. I could tell he was thinking we were at a point of either we do or we don't. 

"We need to move this to my room..."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure." I closed the door and we were just standing in my room making out, hands resting on our hips for a little while kissing. He was so tall and built. He towered over me and made me seem so small and weak... His hands moved from my hips to the button of my jeans, his fingers smoothly unbuttoning them. I whimpered, and he stopped kissing me, putting his lips to my neck and breathing deeply. I was so wet, and he slipped off my jeans, my underwear going with them. He took off his, then removed our shirts. I let him do all the work, partly terrified, but a bigger part of me felt like this was right. I just loved being so close to him. For some reason, it felt like the most special thing in the world. He held me and asked me if I was ok. It was so sweet. Then we moved to the bed and curled up together, he wrapped his arm around me and I rested my head on his chest again, we kissed a little and he asked me again if I was ok, and I was, and it was seeming perfect.  We just lay there for a little while, naked...

He positioned himself almost on top of me and started kissing my breasts. It felt so amazing. His breathing was so hot and heavy and his tongue was doing amazing things. After a heavy breath, I felt something. He didn't put the peen inside me, he was just sort of rubbing it against my vagina. I then actually reached down and TOOK it in my hands and started to rub myself with it and gently pressing it against my clit. I was ready. 

I think I'm pretty small and he's very well-endowed, so I just didn't see how this thing was gonna fit up inside me... He then guided himself into me "Are you sure?" he asked. His voice was a whisper. I nodded. But apprehension loomed over me. My body was stiff, but my brain was going a mile a minute. Inch by inch, he slowly pushed into me. It felt like a battering ram was breaking through me. Shutting my eyes closed, I bit my lip. 

"Come on," he pleaded. "What's wrong?"

I snapped at the most compassionate person I had ever met. "I wish you were the one who had to deal with the pain!"

His face crumpled like I had hit him, and I murmured, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"We shouldn't do this if you're going to get hurt." His huge blue eyes bore into mine. It was then that I started to feel that familiar, warm sensation behind my belly button. Jesus Christ, he was perfect. I pulled him into me, melding our lips together. I pressed against him, closed my eyes, let myself go. It was like a wall crumbled inside of me. Going in, it felt remotely like a dull yet moderately pleasurable sensation, like the brief moment of relief after you scratch an itch. He finally was able to fit all eight+ inches inside of me. It felt like I had just been punched in the gut. 

"There." He murmured above me. It was very painful for me and really uncomfortable It hurt like hell and I moaned, and he breathed deeply on my neck again. 

"You have to pull out, please. It's just hurts too bad. I have some lube in the nightstand..."


I put lube on both him and myself and we started back again. We/I was determined rather than anxious, and after a few minutes of rearranging ourselves — success! It was painful at times, slightly uncomfortable all of the time, but I felt a deep pleasure in giving him pleasure.  I remember how slow and gentle he was — his responsiveness to my body language and his attention to my comfort. Honestly, the whole thing was a little awkward, too: switching positions, and not feeling sure what exactly to do or whether he was enjoying it. We tried a couple different positions including doggie style, but missionary seemed the best way for us.

Then, all of the sudden, it felt amazing. His breathing was really turning me on and I wrapped my legs around him. His breathing grew faster, and to my surprise, so did mine. I felt the buildup... Growing inside me. Like a sexual tidal wave of pleasure heading to my coastline. I braced myself and it hit! I screamed out in ecstasy. Violently shaking and thrashing and moaning... And when I came, he came too. It took us both a little while to calm down.  We just lay there, with his penis still in me. I could feel it getting smaller, but it never came out...

After that, he cuddled with me and we talked a little before falling asleep, naked in each others arms. 

I woke up around 3AM and felt so weird. I didn't remember what had happened and why this huge, dark naked person was in be with me... and why was I naked??? Then the memories came back...

I was scared to death, ashamed, sick to my stomach... I wanted to crawl into a hole and die! I started yelling.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!!! What in the hell have I done???" I remember seeing him stirring and waking up. I was staggering all over the room, knocking stuff over and tripping over it. 

"Bree!?!?!? What's wrong? Calm down and talk to me."

"What't wrong... What's wrong... We had sex!!! I had sex with a man!!! GET OUT!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!"

"Wait.. wait.. you were fine with this last night... I didn't do anything you didn't want to... Bree, talk to me!!!" He came over to me and grabbed my arm. I pulled away.

"Don't touch me! Never touch me again!!!" I had snapped. What was happening to me was all I could think about... I ran to my bedroom door, opened it and motioned for him to get out. "Leave now and never come back!!!"

"Ok... dammit! Let me get my clothes!"

"Just hurry! I want you out of here. NOW!!!"

He got dressed and headed for the door. He went through the living room and to the front door and turned to me. "Bree. I don't know what is happening, but..."

"Just go! Now!!! Please..." I was starting to sob... He went out the door. My eyes were full of tears. I was so damn mad at myself. I was furious. I staggered back to my room, knocking stuff over. I even think I did a roundhouse kick to a cheap grandfather clock because when I saw it yesterday, it was in a few hundred pieces all over the floor...

Also, this was on my camera... I thought I heard him taking a pic...

I'll probably never read this post again. I can't believe I'm putting this pic on here.
Seeing it again makes my skin crawl...

I guess this is when we were about to do it doggie style. He did eventually take that jewelry off. I made him. He scratched my belly with that damn watch right after this pic was taken.

That's the story. I do feel better now that I've written it all out... I still feel sick and nauseous. I just can't believe I let that happen. I, in no way right now, would even consider doing that. It was like it wasn't me. Like some other person was in control. I don't know how long it gonna take for me to get over this. I think about it and want to cry... I'm crying now, actually. I didn...t want to have sex... with a guy... 

Tonya came over on Sunday and has been staying with me. She cleaned me up. I had just been laying ini the bed. I hadn't taken a shower since it happened. I had his stuff... well... kinda gross I know, but it was still on me - on my "girl parts" and my legs. She's been a lifesaver. I don't know what I would have done if she'd not come over.

Ok. composed again.. sorta. Tonya just came in here with some amazing smelling dish she just made. I'm hungry too! She has been a lifesaver!!! I really do love this girl! She's an absolutely amazing friend!!!

(p.s. - Olivia, please come back. I'm so sorry!!! I miss you so much...")

Sunday, July 21, 2013

It happened...

The title says it all. It happened.

I'm just laying here in my bed, roughly in the same position for the last two days, I guess... I'm a mess. I feel so dirty... So... I don't know anymore...

Friday, July 19, 2013

At my door...

He's been at my door for 3 minutes now... Knocking. Saying, "Bree. Let's talk. Please, girl. I know you're in there. We really need to talk. I'm just worried about you. I just wanna make sure you're ok..." And other stuff like that... He's probably, like he said, just checking up on me, but I don't want to see him or anybody right now... What do I do? I'm just going to curl back up on the couch in my long t-shirt and panties... and cry... Surely he'll go away soon. Olivia, please come home!!!! I need you!

I'm not sorry for all the drama here. If you're reading this, well, this sucks for me... I hate it. I don't know what to do though...

Lips and chin and neck... that's all... and a little chap-stick...

Please stop calling me... Please stop calling me...

20 calls and 15 messages...

God Only Knows...

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows

Thanks Brian.


(Do I go to band practice when I feel like the shittiest of shit?)

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

In Over My Head...

I... I don't know what to say or write anymore. I quit working full time, as you probably already know, and Monday was my last full day. Carolyn was gonna video chat with me after lunch but I didn't hear from her. I've called, emailed her... Nothing.

O is kinda distraught with me. We had a big talk and I told her about Saturday and she, well, she sorta freaked. She's been staying in her room working and even went and stayed at her place a few times. She hasn't even started trying to sell her place yet and now I don't know if she even will.

I'm a mess. I don't know what to do. What did this have to happen? This is the worst thing to ever happen to me in my whole life. I don't know if I'm gonna make it...

I think I'm gonna call Tonya soon. Hopefully she'll listen...

I'm at work now doing a few things... Told them I'd be here like 15-20 hours when I was in Miami... It's a little better here, focused on work...


Sunday, July 14, 2013

Here Goes... My Most Recent Struggle Out for All to See...

So, I'm a lesbian. Bree was already a lesbian before I became her and I just naturally kept it going because I was a guy -  then and I turned into a girl and still didn't in any way like guys. I recognize that there are some "attractive" guys out there, but I've never felt anything for them, while being Bree - and I've totally had feelings for girls like I did as Brendan.  

But this last beach trip with me meeting Deon, I've felt like I've been hit by a wave. I felt an instant connection, like a puzzle piece that fit right into all the curves and angles. I didn't want to admit it that first day, but I think it was already there. I'd never felt like this about a guy before while being Bree. I still can't believe I've maybe been crushing on him while I wrapping my heart around the fact that I actually/possibly was or could be attracted to him. It's been really confusing. Earlier in Bree's life, I'm sure she had to struggle to come to grips with being a lesbian, and now here I am liking a guy. It feels like I'm making Bree/me come out again, but backwards, you know?
Do I truly like Deon? I asked him out for this Saturday. I actually called him back and asked him out! I can't explain this. It's like a switch has gone off in my head. I can't believe that I might really like him after only spending the time on the beach with him and going out one time as "friends." 

We had a nice dinner together. We talked about lots of stuff. Mostly about me and what as he said, "Makes me tick..." I told him about the band, my job... Olivia. He moved on past that last subject kinda quickly. After about an hour, we headed to our cars and he asked if I wanted to just ride with him. The club is about 10 minutes away from the restaurant and I said sure... We got there and it was dark out and I could hear the loud music from the club from across the street. Tons of people were there and we went up and the bouncers let us right on in without question. 

"Deon, what exactly do you have in mind for us in here?"

"Oh, I don't know... A little drinking and a little dancing, maybe? That's what I always do."

"I'm not dancing with you..." I laughed, kinda... "I might have a drink though..." If there were any other lesbians in this club, my chances were kinda shot coming in here with him anyway. Not that I could spot any prospective girls at this point in my "career"...

"Just hang out with me a little if you can, Blue Eyes. At least try to let a few hotties know we're together to drum up some interest."

"How, or better yet, why in the hell do you need me to help you drum up interest. Every girl in line was eyeing you."

"And they were eyeing you too. Wishing to be you and also wanting to rip you to shreds to get to me. You already did some heavy lifting Miss Bree! Thank you."

"My damn pleasure." I said that sarcastically... We stood there drinking a little and talking. A song with a pretty fat beat came on and I couldn't help but start to move. Deon did to and we were both there dancing and gyrating to the house beat that was pumping through the speakers. We were dancing together but Deon respected my request and we stayed close but never, at this point grinded together or anything. We danced at maybe a half arms length away. After a few more songs, I felt I'd had enough and told him I was gonna go explore a bit and let the women have a chance to flock to him like he said they would. I walked to the bar and ordered a beer and out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone I knew... Tiffany. 

"Bree? Hey girl! What's up?"

"Not much... Just here on... business... sorta..."

"SInce when did tall, dark and handsome become your business?"

"God, you saw us? It's complicated... Very complicated..."

"Well you seem kinda uptight. Want a drink?" I didn't tell her I already had two...


"I'll get us something special!"

"Oh boy!" I didn't have a clue what this drink was... Looked like rum with a floating shot of whisky in it. 

"Oh my god, Bree. I gotta pee so bad. Hold my drink.  I'll be right back..."

"Sure..." At that point Deon came over and snapped a pic of me which he later texted to me...

"Damn Deon! That flash just about killed my eyes! Geez!"

"Sorry 'bout that Blue Eyes! Who's your friend? And... if you drink both of those, I'll be carrying you back to your car... no shitting you there."

"A girl from work. Now get lost!" I punched him in the arm and then kinda smiled...

"Just sayin'... See ya soon!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Well, he's not bad looking, that's for damn sure. If I was into guys, I'd be all over him!"

"So you don't like guys?"

"Relationship wise, hell no! To many bad experiences. To many guys think with their dicks and not with their heads, if you know what I mean. You are the type I go for now..."

"Wow. I'd hoped and thought that from the time we went out to lunch and you redid my hair for me. You had me like putty in your hands. I was in heaven at your touch."

"Oh! Yeah! I remember that. I wasn't sure about you though... That blonde that came up to your office and then you two kissed as she left kinda affirmed it for me though... Figured you might be a lesbo as well."

"Well, wanna dance?"

"Drink up first!!!"

"Ok!" I turned it up and we got on the floor. We danced like I'd only seen people dancing before. total boodie danced with her. It was pretty hot, I'll say that. this is the point where things start to get a little hazy... I'm pretty sure we went and found an isolated booth somewhere in the back of the club and made out for a while... I had this pic on my phone from some point...

I don't remember taking it...

The next thing I remember, the place was closing and it was around 4:30am. Deon found me and was holding my hand/arm/me up as we made our way to the door. He helped me to his car and we drove to my car. We pulled up to my car and I opened the door but he grabbed my arm...

"Girl, I can't let you drive. You are so far past wasted that it's not funny. Just make sure your car is locked and I'll drive you home."

"I can dammit, drive!!! Just let me... get my keys out of the pool over there. I'm gonna go for a swim!"

"Hell no! You'll have crashed before you get out of this parking lot. I'm taking you home."

"Ok..." I pouted. "But I'm not very happy about any of this. This is an outrage to me and my mom and brother. We'll take you to court meanie!"

"Sorry. It's for your own good."

"Ok... DAD!" I told him where I lived and we pulled up into the drive-way. I got out and was stumbling up the sidewalk and he came and helped me to the door. We got up to the door and I pulled away, slightly.

"I got this now, Deon. Thank you. You were quite the gentleman... I hope you had got a lots of girls and kissed them and made out with them and touched them and had fun with them..."

"No problem, Blue Eyes. WOW! You are blitzed for sure, girl!" For some reason, I looked up at him and just stared into his eyes for a few moments. I leaned up and over to him and he leaned down to me. We kissed. I could feel my mouth start to open to take it further but he pulled away.

"OH MY GOD! What the in the fiery fires of hell just happened to us doing that kiss thingy???"

"I'm so sorry... I'm sure it didn't mean anything. You're drunk and I shouldn't have done that."

"No. No. No. Meanie! I don't like you anymore... Go away and goodbye, Deon. But... try to be a little bit careful from the deers in the road and turtles and froggies..."

"Ok. Bye. Get some sleep... You so drunk you off the scale." I opened the door and crashed on the couch. As the memories from that night came back the next "afternoon," I was sickened  and stunned and appalled. 

That's what I can remember as happening... Kinda sickening but... I don't know. So confused... Why is this happening? I don't know what to do...

I've never had sex with a guy before as Bree, or as Brendan, duh! I'm pretty sure that Bree had sex with a guy though in the previous timeline... But I think I may want to take that step with Deon. I can't believe I just thought that let alone typed that!!!!! I didn't that first night or the next couple of days, but the more I've thought about it, the more it makes sense. I mean, I've had sex with girls as a guy and I figure that I may as well find out what it feels like to have sex with a guy as a girl. But, that is totally not what I've wanted to do the whole time as Bree. The problem is, I haven't told Deon that I've never slept with a guy before. I don't even know if he wants to sleep with me. Wel, I'm sure he does.. maybe. He may just think that I have and then turned lesbian later. I don't know... What do I say? How do I find out? Do I want to even find out. First of all, I don't even know if I'm a lesbian anymore. I think I still like girls, but since I've been with Deon, I've started noticing how he looks and I think about him: his bodies, the way he moves, the way he smells. And girls I used to fantasize about, to ashamed to mention names here, sorry to them, do nothing for me right now. It's like I found a new favorite dessert, and I can't imagine ordering the old one anymore, even though I still like it. Does that make any sense? I just need to go to my room and burry my face in my pillow and cry for like three days straight... I feel depression setting in. What do I do...???

a very confused Bree...

Friday, July 12, 2013

Off to Band Practice.

Work was boring today. I still feel like crap...

Didn't do much make-up today either... just a little liner on the bottom.

I did do my hair a little... Just some quick, big curls...
Don't feel like putting the effort in just to wash it off before I go to bed. God, I'm in such a foul mood right now...

I promised O I'd talk to her after practice although practice should run long tonight. The songs that me and Josh worked on are being introduced to the band tonight. Gonna jam them out and get a working arrangement with the band. I think everyone will like them!

On other topics, I'm still bleeding out. Kinda gross, but yeah, this sucks. Maybe I need to go to the doctor. But I don't want to... It would be a "woman doctor." One that specializes in "girl parts." An OB/GYN... I'd have to go there. Legs in stirrups and cold metal instruments. I've heard the tales... EEEKKKK...

Anyway, I'm off.

Later everyone...

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Didn't Answer The Call This Time...

About 30 minutes after I published that last post, Deon called. I didn't answer. He left a message. Deciding whether to listen to it or delete it...

...I listened.
"Hey Bree! Just thinking and wondering about ya, girl. Give me a call when you get this. Talk to ya then."
So yeah... Listened then deleted.


This is not Good!

I was about to get up to go to the bathroom and check things and then head to lunch with Olivia when I felt it hit and I almost lost my balance. Completely draining. Maybe it was coupled with me getting up too fast... Luckily I was still near my desk and kinda made it back to my chair and just flopped my upper body down on my desk. It felt like so much stuff just exited me... I quickly called Olivia and told her to just get some food for us and come here, that it was really bad and I probably couldn't drive right now. I waited a little bit and then I felt a little better and stood up slowly and made my way to the bathroom... I'll spare the details this time... It was bad,  that's all. Really bad.

Olivia got me the biggest cheeseburger she could find and made me eat the whole thing... I was kinda shocked because she's had me on a health kick lately, her and Tonya both. We talked a bit and she brought up the whole "Deon" thing and I told her that I didn't want to talk about it now but maybe when I got home. That's where we left it. She left and now I'm about to get back to work.

I didn't sleep well last night on top of all of this. I feel like I'm just sitting here, a shell of myself. Like I'm floating or something. It's taken me forever to to type this...

Until next time, if there is one...


Back at Work Today.

I'm feeling better. Kind of ironic that I start feeling better and/but soon I'll start bleeding out... How absolutely perfect...

Anyway, I'm meeting O for lunch. She's gonna make sure I eat properly today... 

Doing the all natural thing today. Screw the "war" paint.

Managed a half smile...

Come on period. Let's just get this over with...


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I Feel Terrible...

Just called in to work. Feel like shit. Physically and emotionally spent. I think O's worried. I'm sure I'll be fine... Just don't want to deal with anything right now.

Been laying in the bed with Molly. Did my nails. Trying to get my mind so slow down and chill out now. I don't think I ate anything yesterday.

I love my kitty!
Wanted something kinda different... Bloody fingernails anyone?

I went over to Tonya's today. I really wanted some of her cooking. I was getting really hungry by late afternoon. I also left her a little surprise on her blog -- I did what Olivia had done to me before... A Bree guest post!!!


Monday, July 8, 2013

At a Loss Right now...

I just don't.. I can't post anything right now. I'm so confused... I'm sorry to who ever follows me here. I'm a bit messed up right now. Emotions haywire and this damn PMS and these crazy thoughts and I can't figure it out. I'll try to get a grip soon...

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Answered the Phone and Agreed to a Date... with a GUY!?!?!?

I answered the next time he called. I mean, what could it hurt, right.

Big mistake... probably.

He was extra charming. Smooth talking. I was rolling my eyes... "Come on dude," I thought...

As we talked for a little bit, I finally blurted out... "Deon, I'm already seeing someone." There was a silence...

"Ok, Bree. Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

"Ya know that girl that called me on the beach.. 'Wild Olivia'..."

"Are you a lesbian? You are, aren't you."

"Umm.. yes. Yes I am. Olivia's my girlfriend. We really like each other. So yeah, that's why I can't or don't want to date you. I'm so sorry. You seem like a really nice and quite interesting guy."

"Hey! That's cool. I understand. But, that doesn't mean we can't hang. Let's just go out as friends and get to know each other. You might be able to help me out..." He kinda laughed. "Nothing makes a guy seem more desirable than when he has a hot girl on his arm... ya know!"

"What's in it for me, Deon?"

"Free everything. I still pay for everything. I have lots to offer. I own two gyms and know some very well respected club owners that are always looking to book bands like yours. I gave you guys a listen. Hot stuff. You guys just need a push. I could help. See girl, this friendship could be a sweet deal for the both of us. Whatcha say?"

"Dammit Deon! Ok! I'm in! What time and where?"

"Dinner first. Your choice, babe."

"Ok. Umm... Cafe Bastille at 7pm."

"Ok. Then we're heading to Mansion and get crunk!!!"

"Ok Deon!" I laughed a little. "See ya then!"

"Bye girl!"

Oh god! What tha hell! Why did I just let him convince me to do that. He's so commanding. Dammit! I feel like he has some sort of power over me kinda like Tonya does... I hope this doesn't turn out bad...

So... I just finished getting ready. Olivia helped. She thinks it's kinda funny. Here's the pic. Still not too sure what to wear. It's not gonna be overtly sexy, I can say that for sure!

Still gonna maybe straighten my hair a little more then find something to wear. It's 5:45pm right now. I better hurry. Don't want to have my "man" waiting. Lol!

Wish me luck.. or something. No, definitely not luck... Wish me... umm... Just wish I have a good time with all things considered! I really hope he doesn't try anything. I'm really not in the mood for that. I just wanna hang out and have a good time.


Neon Deon...

I know it's kinda late, but we slept in. BIG time! I actually had been a awake for a little while thanks to Molly and I've just been thinking about things... Those thoughts are another blog post...  My phone rang I got up and sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the screen and it was... DEON!!! I was just hoping that he'd forgotten about me. Looks like that's not the case. I didn't answer. He left a message. I listened. 
"Hey girl! It's Deon. Was planning on going out tonight and was wondering what you were up to. Would love to hang with you tonight. Give me a call back soon. I'll try you again in a little if I don't here from you soon. We'll talk then! Bye blue eyes!"
He's definitely quite forward! 

So, yeah... I'm not calling him back and I might not answer if he does. What do I do here? Tell him I'm already in a relationship with a girl... "Wild Olivia?"

We'll see what happens when it happens I guess. Gotta get Molly some food and clean out her litter box.

I can't believe I smiled here. Must be default Bree when a camera is pointed my way...
even if I'm pointing the camera. And yes, still in my PJs...


Friday, July 5, 2013

Mother F&%king Nature...

Olivia just told me that she was kidding and can't wait to move in with me! That's the good news!!! I'm gonna have to get her for putting me through that!!! She better be on the lookout!

So, I also kinda figured out why I was so emotional when Olivia was teasing me about not moving in. She just told me that her monthly visitor is here... So, if it's like last month, mine will be here soon. Yea... Can't wait...

Guess I better start taking my vitamines more regularly than I have been... Don't want to pass out again. Not fun!

I'm out for now...


Olivia Time!!

Heys all you beautiful readers, it's me again! Olivia! <3 Uhm, well it's been awhile since I posted on Bree's blog, so I felt I would let you all know what I've been up to lately!

I've been staying here at her house more and more. Not much for me to do as I really don't know any friends of mine anymore since my reality changed. Umm.. I've been starting to remember instances of myself doing alternate things? I can't quite explain it exactly, but here's an attempt...

I remember my life as Oliver and everything, but lately I've had some of my memories alter slightly? Like my memories of my first time having sex (as Oliver) changed to the first time I had my (Olivia's) cherry pop. I don't like men, but apparently I used to? Anyways, things like that.

In other news, I was totally playing around with Bree when she asked about me moving in with her! I've been waiting for her to ask me for a while now. So, yeah, I'm moving in! Gonna tell her when she get's back. Hopefully I didn't upset her too much... She would lose herself if she didn't have me to clean up after her, plus, I kind of find it arousing... I kind of enjoy taking care of Bree. She means so much to me. I just... Anywho, I should get dinner ready for Bree. Maybe some baked chicken and braised potatoes?

P.S. Hi Bree <3

P.P.S. I found this picture on Bree's little camera. I think I'll just post it here! <3

Time to Celebrate the 4th!

Mom wanted everyone there early to hang and play games! They always try to make it fun, which it usually is! If it's one thing the McAdams are all about, it's fun involving games and competition! As soon as we got there, I saw dad in the garage and me and O went to chat. He was already going through the fireworks and I'll have to say that it was the most that he's ever bought!

"Dad! What in the world! Did you buy out a whole stand or something!?!?"

"Well hey there Bree! And how are you miss Olivia?"

"Doing good dad!"

"Me too Mr. McAdams!"

"I bought all these so we can compete with the Russels next door and win this time! I figured that we could all shoot. I think Thomas is coming sometime today to stay a few days. You up for some good ole firework neighbor competition, Olivia?"

"You bet! I love shooting fireworks!"

"Good to hear! Well, these are now all sorted and I have to go back in and help the Mrs. get dinner going and get the grill cleaned and ready. See you girls around!" He walked by me and gave me a kiss just as Luke walked in the garage.

"I bet he never did that to you as Brendan... Hey there.. Olivia!"

"Nope! He sure didn't!"

"Hey Luke. What's up?"

"Not much. What are you two about to do?"

"Swim, maybe. Is the floating goal in the water yet this year?"

"I just put it in! When Tommy gets here we can play some 2 - 2 but until then we can just swim or play 21..."

"Sounds like fun! We'll go change!"

"Yep. Let's go change!"

"See ya in tha pool!"

We went up to my old room and changed and ended up playing a little "purple nurple" on my old bed. With that game, I don't think there's ever a winner. All parties involved end up with sore, red, painful nipples. Fun though... kinda! ;)

We got in the pool, which was surprisingly warm, and started horsing around. Olivia just wanted to swim for the time being so me and Luke played some 1-1 on the floating goal. He won, dammit. He's so much taller than me now! Not too bad though... 15-10... Played one more game... worse... 15-8... We swam a little more and then O wanted to go lay out for a little while. Luke said he would too so we all dried off and headed for some lounge chairs.

Muh legs getting some Florida sunshine!!!
Thomas got there finally, pullin up in his new Defender 90. He came straight over to me, picked me up and threw me in the pool! I was kicking and screaming but he's just too big and strong for me to do anything about it!

He did a hulk pose and then Luke said, "You're sooooo strong Tommy! She weighs like what, a buck 15? Why don't you try to do that to me?"

"Ok! I will!" He walked over and Luke got up and they started to try to throw each other in the pool. Neither one seemed to have the upper hand from my vantage point dog-paddling in the deep-end. They were getting real close to the edge but no one was in yet. Olivia quitely got up and walked over to them. They didn't even see her. She just easily pushed them both in at the same time!!!

Everyone there cheered for her! "I win!" She then took a bow and then did a cannon ball into the deep-end right near me.

"Great job! Well done!"


"We played some 2-2 after that. Me and Luke against Olivia and Thomas. It was the closest game ever in McAdams history. We played to 15 and you had to win by two. The final score was... 28-26 in favor of... ME AND LUKE!!! Woo hoo!!! Olivia really surprised me with how good she was! You go girl! Right after the game ended, mom yelled out that it was time to eat.

The food was incredible! Salad with 3 different kinda of homemade dressing, grilled corn on the cob, french fries, burgers, steak, hotdogs and homemade ice cream and a Lemon Meringue pie for dessert! So glad I went to the gym this morning! Now, I'm gonna have to go 5 times tomorrow to work off all this food!

We finished eating and then chatted until we heard something next door... the Russels had shot the first preliminary firework signaling the start of the 2013 McAdams/Russel Fireworks WAR!!! It was on!!!

We got set up fast. We all knew what to do. Battle stations were manned/wo-manned... Mortars were loaded! Rockets set up! Mom had the huge Roman Candles ready. Ready for the first round or Shock & Awe!!! 3... 2... 1... UNLEASH THE MADNESS!!!

We set it off and totally blew away the Russels this year! They never knew what hit them! Here's a pic of the grand finale!

So! As you can see. We really do it up well! The Russels ran out this year about the time we got ready for the finale. They came over and admitted defeat and then we all hung out for a little while.

David made his way over but mostly just hung out with Luke. We did talk, but I could tell he was being a little weird. I wonder if he's seen the pics in the magazine yet... He probably has.

Anyway, we were about to head in. The "kids" always watch Independence Day after fireworks on the big screen ini the den. McAdams and Russels alike! Even David stayed this year. He does sometimes but lately he hasn't.  I love that movie!!!

After the movie, it was time to go. Me and Olivia packed up our things, said our goodbyes and headed out. Dad stopped me and said that mom and him were going to take a vacation and to check up on the place while they were gone. They were leaving Monday night. I told them I would and we were off...

On the way home, as we were pulling in the driveway, I "popped" the question...

"So, Olivia, I was thinking..."

"Don't hurt yourself Breely!" She giggled.

"Ha ha... very funny. Why don't you just sell your apartment and move in? Most of your stuff is already here and you are here like 90% of the time. Just move in already! I'd really like that!"

"I've been thinking about that too, Bree. I just don't know. That's a big step... My old life was at that apartment. I don't know if I wanna give it up yet. Let me think about it and I'll get back to you. Ok?"

"Ok... Yeah, just let me know when you're ready. I'm so tired... Can't wait to get some sleep."

"Me either but I gotta finish this program I've been working on... I might be up all night... You go on to bed and I'll join you when I can."

As we stepped in the door, she headed for the kitchen and her computer and I headed to my bed. That didn't go as I thought it would.

I just woke up and found O asleep on the kitchen table. Woke her a little and told her I was gonna go out and get a few groceries and things. She said ok and moped to the bed... I'm feeling a little down as I write this last part and remember that conversation from last night... :(

Oh well... off to the store with maybe a few tears in my eyes. One good thing is that I'm off today but looks like that will be sucked into the crappiness of the day.


Thursday, July 4, 2013

Happy Independence Day!!!

Got up early and went to the gym! Worked out and ran. Got a basketball and shot a little. This really attractive blonde girl came in the basketball area and was shooting around by herself on another goal. She came over to me and and introduced her self. Her name is Deanna and she asked me if I wanted to shoot together. I said, "Sure! What about horse? I've recently been through some... umm... physical difficulties and I'm trying to get my shot back!" She said that was cool with her and I let her start off. By watching her shoot, and not that she was terrible, I just knew that I would probably win. I did win, needless to say, but she was pretty good and I ended up having an R to her E...

After a couple more games, she asked if I was the lead guitarist from boy.cried.WOLF! I told her I was! She was really happy to meet me. She said that she had just started taking guitar lessons and her boyfriend had taken her to see some bands one night and we were one of them. She thought it was so cool that my band had a girl guitarist.  She bought our EP and a shirt and sticker! She said that she's usually here on Thursday mornings and that she would like to, if I was willing, to shoot some more with me. I told her I could be here on Thursday mornings in a few weeks and that I'll definitely be here when I can.

She wanted a picture with me so we got one of the gym workers to take one of us. She texted me the pic and I told her I'd text her and let her know when we were playing next.

Here's the pic!

I came back here and now I'm about to head to take a shower after O get's out... She just woke up...

Later gaters!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

What a Day... at the Beach!!!

Summer has already been here a few days, but I really never think of summer without July being involved. July is my favorite Summer month! It's just perfect. It's just always felt like summer to me when it gets here. July also brings more and more people to the beach. Which I've always liked! In my teen years though before I changed, more and more girls would start to come to the beach wearing less and less clothing. Even now, I sometimes find myself looking!

Here are some shots I've taken recently while at the beach...

Now, had I still been a guy, I never would have gotten away with taking that first shot. But, as a girl, they didn't seem to care that I was pointing a camera their way, if only for a second. The second one, I almost asked those girls if I could join them! That looked like fun! The third one... WOW! You should have seen that girl doing trick surfing rides. She was awesome!

Here's another pic... guess what was happening here...

While girls would tend to shy away from pics mostly, this guy didn't. I was sitting on my towel taking pics of some surfers and was just panning the beach when I came across him and he must have been watching me and had been waiting for me to pan across to him. I focused on him and he did this pose and I don't know why, but I snapped this photo... I kept the camera on him for like 2 more seconds and he did some more poses but I didn't take any more shots. I took my camera down and just looked his way. He was actually closer to me than I though and he waved at me and motioned for me to come over to where he was. 

I was a little nervous. I stuck my phone in my bikini bottom and I got up and went over to him. He looked to be helping like 10 kids build this enormous sandcastle. As you can see from the pic, he wasn't a bad looking guy...

"Hey girl! You wanna help me out over here? I'm just tryin' to help these kids build a really cool, big sandcastle? Any help would be appreciated!"

"Well, sure! I can stay for a bit. Do you have a plan or are you just going for 'cool and big.'"

"These kids don't care as long as it's 'cool and big.'"

"Ok then! Whatcha want me to do?"

"Well, you could come over here and help me fill these buckets up with sand. The kids are dumping them out and building. If needed, I'm just providing the 'muscle.'"

"Ok. Pass me a couple buckets."

"You know what? You look really familiar. I've seen you somewhere before. Damn... Where was it? What do you do?"

"Well, I play in a band... You might have seen me playing here in a club."

"No. That ain't it. You ever do any parties? Like DJing?"

"I don't think so... I did see some DJ equipment in my garage. I thought that was interesting..."

"Well... it sure looked like you. Take your shades off, if you will. Let me see those eyes."

"Oh... kay..."

"Damn! Had to be you! Damn hot piercing blue eyes... Not a pair I'd likely forget."

"Well, thanks! I'll take that as a compliment."

"You should! You got it going on girl! Nice tats as well! I bet those on your feet hurt like hell!"

"Yeah, they did. But I really wanted them so I said, to hell with it, and just sucked up the pain."

"That's cool! So, you from around here?"

"Yep. All my life."

"What's your name?"

"Bree." *to a kid... - "Oh, sorry hunny, me and this nice man were talking and we forgot to fill up more buckets. We'll get back to it won't we... umm..."

"Oh, sorry, name's Deon. I'm from here, too."

"Me and Deon will get you guys some more buckets." There was something about this guy. He was a commanding figure. He towered above me. I felt so small and vulnerable...

"You guys bring me and Bree here all the empty buckets and we'll get them all filled back up. So miss Bree, do you like kids?"

"Sure! They're great. Who are all these kids anyway?"

"Two are my nephews and one is my niece and the rest are their friends. I love coming out here and hanging with them. They're my sisters kids. Their dad's in Afghanistan for two year tour."

"How sweet! They probably love you for this - both your sister and the kids. I bet you're their favorite uncle!"

"Yeah! I am! And I say that because I'm their only uncle." He laughed a little. We continued filling sand into buckets as the kids came and got them for a little while. He really seems like a nice guy. "So... Bree... with the piercing blue eyes. What do you like to do for fun?"

"Well, I like to play a couple sports. I like to go clubbing. I play guitar. I like hanging with friends - driving my car... Swimming."

"Cool that you brought up clubbing... I was thinking about going out tonight. You wanna hang out some tonight and hit a couple spots later on the strip with me?"

Well shit! He's asking me out. Dammit. How did I let this happen. How did I not see this coming. This guy's smooth. He knows how to do this. This ain't his first rodeo. Think Bree... Think! "Can't tonight.  I'm meeting the singer of my band to go over ideas for three remaining songs left to work out for our cd. Thanks for the offer. Wanna hand me another bucket?"

"What about later this week. If you'll hand me your phone, I'll put my # in it for you. I just cleaned my hands off."

"Umm... Ok. Sure. Why not. We'll see, I guess. I'm not promising anything though!" 

"I'll just get it." He reached over to me and gently pulled my phone out of my bikini bottom while gently grazing his knuckles over the little fluff of skin that the bikini bottom pushes up as it hugs my belly and waist. It kinda sent chills through me. I'm thinking the bad kind of chills, but I wasn't sure. It really caught me off guard. I just wanted to leave but he had my phone and was putting his number in it... He was handing my phone back to me and it rang and he looked at it. "Damn! Who is this... 'Wild Olivia' hottie that's calling you?"

"What? Wild Olivia...?"

"Yeah. That's what it says. And the pic that came up is of a topless hottie looking all sexy."

"Let me have that!" He handed me the phone. "God! That's my roommate. She must have gotten my phone and changed the contact name and picture..."

"I've got a brother. When we go out, we should hook them up and they could hang with us!"

I answered the phone. "Hello. - I'm at the beach. - I saw that you changed my contact stuff. - Well, I wasn't the first person to see it!!! - Ok. Ok. It's cool! I'll leave it, promise! -  I'll be there in about 20 minutes. - Sounds really good! - Bye!"

"Bree! You leaving me?"

"Yeah, I gotta go. Olivia has cooked this hamburger casserole meal that's really amazing. I gotta take a shower and get over to meet with Josh after that about the songs... remember?"

"Oh yeah. I remember. Was cool hanging with you miss Bree. I'll call you. And you have my number now, too."

"Yeah. Yeah I guess I do... Goodbye Deon."

"Bye Blue Eyes!" That last single comment almost made me throw up...

Well! That turned uncomfortable real fast. I guess I somehow... sorta got mesmerized by his presence. I wish I would have realized what was happening and put some sort of defenses up. It took me way too long to realize what was happening. I guess some people just have a presence about them. He was definitely one of those people - and it was so easy to get drawn in. I don't think I was attracted to HIM, just attracted to something about him. I don't know. I didn't really... I'm not.. I'm not ready to deal with these thoughts that have been brought up now...

I'm just gonna have to tell this guy I don't swing from the same side of the plate that most girls do... I thought that maybe since he didn't get my number that he wouldn't be able to call me because he didn't know my number. But I checked my recent calls and he had called himself from my phone. So, I guess I'm just waiting for Deon to call me and ask me out just to get turned down again... Oh well! Sucks for him!

O's meal was wonderful, btw! It gave me heartburn, but it was so good!

Met with Josh... Just got home actually. Got maybe 1 1/2 of the songs in a good arrangement. The last one is just gonna be really laid back and mostly acoustic, so that one is really finished as well! It's kind of a ballad. Nice song!

Ok! Tomorrow's the 4th! Can't wait to go over to my parents house and celebrate. Dad always goes all out on fireworks! Gonna be fun! And, I'm also off for the rest of the week!!! Woo hoo! I think O wants to go out tonight! I hope we don't run into Deon!!!