Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I Just Want to Climb Under a Rock and DIE!!! (Warning: This one is kinda gross...)

Around 4:30 today, usually about leaving time for me, I guess the pizza I had eaten for lunch, coupled with the stress, wasn't agreeing with my stomach, still. I really didn't want to go use the bathroom to "poop" here at work, but my stomach told me I had better get to the bathroom, and fast.  So... I went down the stairs and headed for the bathroom. All these years, both my mom and sister never used a public bathroom to "poop." They would somehow hold it and I guess and that was still etched into my brain, girls don't do that in a public bathroom. It now just seemed gross, not just the public bathroom, but pooping as a girl in general. I mean I've "pooped" already as Bree, but now that I think about my female family members issues, I'm feeling different about doing "number 2" as a girl. All I need right now is a new, crazy issue/complex.  But, I'm a guy, I mean girl with like an 80% guy brain, right? Pooping in any bathroom is no big deal. Damn those lovable women for their brainwashing of the now girl me. 

How could I be so unobservant? I went back and took this after-hours... 
Anywhoo... I got to the bathrooms and absent-mindedly went right into the guys bathroom. And, there was Charles, the VP of the company finishing up peeing at a urinal. He was turning around and was putting his "thing" back in his pants and there I was, mouth open, staring. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry," I said. "I can't believe I went into the wrong room." "It happens, Miss McAdams. Now, I believe your destination is next door," he said, in a mater-of-fact tone. "Yes sir," and I bolted out the door. In the "ladies room," I picked the end stall and just looked down at the toilet. Why is this so difficult, I thought. Damn, my mind is really having to deal with these new thoughts and hormones and life issues like crazy right now. I gotta just side down and shit!!!, that's all. Just sit down, on the toilet paper I'm folding and placing on the seat to not get germs on my butt, and crap it out!!! I pulled my pants down and the site of the flatness of my crotch area still was a shock - and seeing panties is still a shocker, too. I felt like I was in drag or something. I pulled them down and there it was! My very own vagina. I need to trim around it, it's a little wooly, but it's beautiful. I finally have one! I still can't believe it. My very own vagina!!! I gently stroked it and felt the tingles. Just lightly tracing the slit. Oh god!!! Oh my God!!! I can;t do this in the bathroom can I!?!?!?!!?  

And then, my stomach reminded me why I was in here! I finally sat down and looked around at my butt and saw just how big it really was, all squished on the toilet seat. It was wonderful to see it, so big, and round!!! Guess what, someone walked in... Two someones... Sounded like Carol and Steph. They shot the breeze for a while and then went and did their thing. Weird hearing girls pee. Kinda like a ppppffffsss coming out. Sounds like that for me too!!! Was super hot though. Steph was sitting near me and seeing her panties by her ankles, oh my god!!! Super-hot!!! A naked girl is three feet from me! I was totally getting turned on now! Damn stomach!!! They finished up and I was almost alone again... As they were washing their hands, Carol said, "What's with Bree? Did you see her last week? She's like been dressing so weird and what's up with her hair and the no make-up and all? God, what's wrong with her?" That's all I heard as they walked out the door still talking about me.... Really?!?! Did that just happen? I'm a girl for like a week and I'm already getting talked about like that? Females are so damn harsh!!! Well, I got my phone out to play my game, Bike Race as I did my business and to take my mind off that bashing of me and catch up on my multi-player games.

My stomach then did a huge rumble and splat!!! It all came out like a rocket of mush and liquid. Gross I know, but it's the truth. Oh god!!! I didn't know until a week ago when I became a girl that girls could do such nasty stuff in the bathroom. I thought, kinda, that only guys could produce such gross stuff. I always thought it all came out like potpourri and they somehow had a self-cleaning device situated somewhere down there! (that would be quite cool actually!!!) I was wrong though... Crap was everywhere. Mostly in the toilet, but a lot on the undersides my bigger, round, girl butt!!! Oh god, was there some on my va-jay-jay!?!? I hope not! Clean-up in stall 3?!?!?!?!? I got a large wad of toilet paper and lifted one side up, hey, I'm a leaner, and went from front to back. I over heard my mom telling my sister to do that one time - "Now Jennifer (my sister), you don't want any getting in your girl parts that might cause an infection...," she said. I was so jealous of my sister back then... But, anyway, thanks mom for the advice!!! I finished up, using almost the whole roll of tp. Hey, I wanted to be clean. I pulled my panties back up and then my pants, buckled my belt and headed out of the stall to wash my hands. Right as I opened the stall door, Missy from the main office came in and immediatly could tell that what I just did smelled to high-heaven. Her face was priceless, in a bad way. She just looked at me saying with her eyes, "Did you just crap out a dead animal?" I was embarrassed to say the least and whispered  "Sorry. I think it was something I ate today or yesterday or something." She said, "Ya huh, ya think so do ya!" I left without washing my hands....

I got back to my office and then noticed that I had a large piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe that I had dragged all the way back to my office. I can only wonder who all saw that!!! So that's my weird/crazy/sexy/embarrasing/haunting story!!! Just wanna die!

I worked till around 6:45 and then headed home. I felt week and just awful. I gotta get out of this funk. I need DP and a Milky Way!!! I think tomorrow is gonna be a good time to go to the beach!!! Yeah, that always makes me feel better. Well, I think it does... seems like it should... Just took this pic that perfectly, with it's 1000 words, describes how I feel by showing you the way I look right now as I'm just running my hands through my hair. bedtime for bree.

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