Here's some backstory...
I went and put some jeans on and I let him in. There was a awkward silence as I opened the door.
"Bree. Girl. I've been worried sick. I hate for people I know to be messed up. I felt so bad leaving you Saturday night but I knew your girl was here so I hoped everything would be alright."
"I'm fine. Thanks." I wanted to be cold to him, but I was having to work hard to. What I really wanted to do was hug him tight and breath his scent in. I wanted to be in his strong arms... I couldn't believe my thoughts. It was like I was totally betraying myself...
"Well, ok then. I've seen that you're doing ok. I'll just go now..."
"Deon..." He turned and looked my way. "Noth... nothing... Bye." As his hand reached the door knob, I grabbed his other arm and then put both of my arms around him and laid my head on his chest, squeezed him and started to cry a little. "I do feel something for you... It goes against everything I thought I was. Just don't go... yet. Stay for a little while, if you can..." I gently pulled him onto the couch and snuggled up against him and started to stroke his chest through his shirt while my head rested on his shoulder. I could feel his hands get free and he stroked my back and started to play with my hair. My mind was telling me this was the time... time to make love with him. My heart was screaming obscenities, but I could even tell that it too was backing down, coming to grips that my mind seemed to be somehow winning this battle... I wasn't even sure if there was a battle anymore. This moment and these thoughts seemed like the right course of action...
I looked up at him and he looked at me. We looked into each others eyes, not blinking for what seemed like an eternity. I eventually scooted upward a bit and my lips made contact with his and at that moment, I knew I was about to have sex with a man...
Things moved along. I could tell he was thinking we were at a point of either we do or we don't.
"We need to move this to my room..."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure." I closed the door and we were just standing in my room making out, hands resting on our hips for a little while kissing. He was so tall and built. He towered over me and made me seem so small and weak... His hands moved from my hips to the button of my jeans, his fingers smoothly unbuttoning them. I whimpered, and he stopped kissing me, putting his lips to my neck and breathing deeply. I was so wet, and he slipped off my jeans, my underwear going with them. He took off his, then removed our shirts. I let him do all the work, partly terrified, but a bigger part of me felt like this was right. I just loved being so close to him. For some reason, it felt like the most special thing in the world. He held me and asked me if I was ok. It was so sweet. Then we moved to the bed and curled up together, he wrapped his arm around me and I rested my head on his chest again, we kissed a little and he asked me again if I was ok, and I was, and it was seeming perfect. We just lay there for a little while, naked...
He positioned himself almost on top of me and started kissing my breasts. It felt so amazing. His breathing was so hot and heavy and his tongue was doing amazing things. After a heavy breath, I felt something. He didn't put the peen inside me, he was just sort of rubbing it against my vagina. I then actually reached down and TOOK it in my hands and started to rub myself with it and gently pressing it against my clit. I was ready.
I think I'm pretty small and he's very well-endowed, so I just didn't see how this thing was gonna fit up inside me... He then guided himself into me "Are you sure?" he asked. His voice was a whisper. I nodded. But apprehension loomed over me. My body was stiff, but my brain was going a mile a minute. Inch by inch, he slowly pushed into me. It felt like a battering ram was breaking through me. Shutting my eyes closed, I bit my lip.
"Come on," he pleaded. "What's wrong?"
I snapped at the most compassionate person I had ever met. "I wish you were the one who had to deal with the pain!"
His face crumpled like I had hit him, and I murmured, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."
"We shouldn't do this if you're going to get hurt." His huge blue eyes bore into mine. It was then that I started to feel that familiar, warm sensation behind my belly button. Jesus Christ, he was perfect. I pulled him into me, melding our lips together. I pressed against him, closed my eyes, let myself go. It was like a wall crumbled inside of me. Going in, it felt remotely like a dull yet moderately pleasurable sensation, like the brief moment of relief after you scratch an itch. He finally was able to fit all eight+ inches inside of me. It felt like I had just been punched in the gut.
"There." He murmured above me. It was very painful for me and really uncomfortable It hurt like hell and I moaned, and he breathed deeply on my neck again.
"You have to pull out, please. It's just hurts too bad. I have some lube in the nightstand..."
"Ok..."
I put lube on both him and myself and we started back again. We/I was determined rather than anxious, and after a few minutes of rearranging ourselves — success! It was painful at times, slightly uncomfortable all of the time, but I felt a deep pleasure in giving him pleasure. I remember how slow and gentle he was — his responsiveness to my body language and his attention to my comfort. Honestly, the whole thing was a little awkward, too: switching positions, and not feeling sure what exactly to do or whether he was enjoying it. We tried a couple different positions including doggie style, but missionary seemed the best way for us.
Then, all of the sudden, it felt amazing. His breathing was really turning me on and I wrapped my legs around him. His breathing grew faster, and to my surprise, so did mine. I felt the buildup... Growing inside me. Like a sexual tidal wave of pleasure heading to my coastline. I braced myself and it hit! I screamed out in ecstasy. Violently shaking and thrashing and moaning... And when I came, he came too. It took us both a little while to calm down. We just lay there, with his penis still in me. I could feel it getting smaller, but it never came out...
After that, he cuddled with me and we talked a little before falling asleep, naked in each others arms.
I woke up around 3AM and felt so weird. I didn't remember what had happened and why this huge, dark naked person was in be with me... and why was I naked??? Then the memories came back...
I was scared to death, ashamed, sick to my stomach... I wanted to crawl into a hole and die! I started yelling.
"Oh my God! Oh my God!!! What in the hell have I done???" I remember seeing him stirring and waking up. I was staggering all over the room, knocking stuff over and tripping over it.
"Bree!?!?!? What's wrong? Calm down and talk to me."
"What't wrong... What's wrong... We had sex!!! I had sex with a man!!! GET OUT!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!"
"Wait.. wait.. you were fine with this last night... I didn't do anything you didn't want to... Bree, talk to me!!!" He came over to me and grabbed my arm. I pulled away.
"Don't touch me! Never touch me again!!!" I had snapped. What was happening to me was all I could think about... I ran to my bedroom door, opened it and motioned for him to get out. "Leave now and never come back!!!"
"Ok... dammit! Let me get my clothes!"
"Just hurry! I want you out of here. NOW!!!"
He got dressed and headed for the door. He went through the living room and to the front door and turned to me. "Bree. I don't know what is happening, but..."
"Just go! Now!!! Please..." I was starting to sob... He went out the door. My eyes were full of tears. I was so damn mad at myself. I was furious. I staggered back to my room, knocking stuff over. I even think I did a roundhouse kick to a cheap grandfather clock because when I saw it yesterday, it was in a few hundred pieces all over the floor...
Also, this was on my camera... I thought I heard him taking a pic...
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| I'll probably never read this post again. I can't believe I'm putting this pic on here. Seeing it again makes my skin crawl... |
I guess this is when we were about to do it doggie style. He did eventually take that jewelry off. I made him. He scratched my belly with that damn watch right after this pic was taken.
That's the story. I do feel better now that I've written it all out... I still feel sick and nauseous. I just can't believe I let that happen. I, in no way right now, would even consider doing that. It was like it wasn't me. Like some other person was in control. I don't know how long it gonna take for me to get over this. I think about it and want to cry... I'm crying now, actually. I didn...t want to have sex... with a guy...
Tonya came over on Sunday and has been staying with me. She cleaned me up. I had just been laying ini the bed. I hadn't taken a shower since it happened. I had his stuff... well... kinda gross I know, but it was still on me - on my "girl parts" and my legs. She's been a lifesaver. I don't know what I would have done if she'd not come over.
Ok. composed again.. sorta. Tonya just came in here with some amazing smelling dish she just made. I'm hungry too! She has been a lifesaver!!! I really do love this girl! She's an absolutely amazing friend!!!
(p.s. - Olivia, please come back. I'm so sorry!!! I miss you so much...")
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