Recap... Tonya made me write this out... I decided to post it...

Tonya wanted me to write this. She thinks it will help me deal with it. So, here it is. Or, as much as I can remember...

Here's some backstory...

I went and put some jeans on and I let him in. There was a awkward silence as I opened the door. 

"Bree. Girl. I've been worried sick. I hate for people I know to be messed up. I felt so bad leaving you Saturday night but I knew your girl was here so I hoped everything would be alright."

"I'm fine. Thanks." I wanted to be cold to him, but I was having to work hard to. What I really wanted to do was hug him tight and breath his scent in. I wanted to be in his strong arms... I couldn't believe my thoughts. It was like I was totally betraying myself...

"Well, ok then. I've seen that you're doing ok. I'll just go now..."

"Deon..." He turned and looked my way. "Noth... nothing... Bye." As his hand reached the door knob, I grabbed his other arm and then put both of my arms around him and laid my head on his chest, squeezed him and started to cry a little. "I do feel something for you... It goes against everything I thought I was. Just don't go... yet. Stay for a little while, if you can..." I gently pulled him onto the couch and snuggled up against him and started to stroke his chest through his shirt while my head rested on his shoulder. I could feel his hands get free and he stroked  my back and started to play with my hair. My mind was telling me this was the time... time to make love with him. My heart was screaming obscenities, but I could even tell that it too was backing down, coming to grips that my mind seemed to be somehow winning this battle... I wasn't even sure if there was a battle anymore. This moment and these thoughts seemed like the right course of action... 

I looked up at him and he looked at me. We looked into each others eyes, not blinking for what seemed like an eternity. I eventually scooted upward a bit and my lips made contact with his and at that moment, I knew I was about to have sex with a man...

Things moved along. I could tell he was thinking we were at a point of either we do or we don't. 

"We need to move this to my room..."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure." I closed the door and we were just standing in my room making out, hands resting on our hips for a little while kissing. He was so tall and built. He towered over me and made me seem so small and weak... His hands moved from my hips to the button of my jeans, his fingers smoothly unbuttoning them. I whimpered, and he stopped kissing me, putting his lips to my neck and breathing deeply. I was so wet, and he slipped off my jeans, my underwear going with them. He took off his, then removed our shirts. I let him do all the work, partly terrified, but a bigger part of me felt like this was right. I just loved being so close to him. For some reason, it felt like the most special thing in the world. He held me and asked me if I was ok. It was so sweet. Then we moved to the bed and curled up together, he wrapped his arm around me and I rested my head on his chest again, we kissed a little and he asked me again if I was ok, and I was, and it was seeming perfect.  We just lay there for a little while, naked...

He positioned himself almost on top of me and started kissing my breasts. It felt so amazing. His breathing was so hot and heavy and his tongue was doing amazing things. After a heavy breath, I felt something. He didn't put the peen inside me, he was just sort of rubbing it against my vagina. I then actually reached down and TOOK it in my hands and started to rub myself with it and gently pressing it against my clit. I was ready. 

I think I'm pretty small and he's very well-endowed, so I just didn't see how this thing was gonna fit up inside me... He then guided himself into me "Are you sure?" he asked. His voice was a whisper. I nodded. But apprehension loomed over me. My body was stiff, but my brain was going a mile a minute. Inch by inch, he slowly pushed into me. It felt like a battering ram was breaking through me. Shutting my eyes closed, I bit my lip. 

"Come on," he pleaded. "What's wrong?"

I snapped at the most compassionate person I had ever met. "I wish you were the one who had to deal with the pain!"

His face crumpled like I had hit him, and I murmured, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"We shouldn't do this if you're going to get hurt." His huge blue eyes bore into mine. It was then that I started to feel that familiar, warm sensation behind my belly button. Jesus Christ, he was perfect. I pulled him into me, melding our lips together. I pressed against him, closed my eyes, let myself go. It was like a wall crumbled inside of me. Going in, it felt remotely like a dull yet moderately pleasurable sensation, like the brief moment of relief after you scratch an itch. He finally was able to fit all eight+ inches inside of me. It felt like I had just been punched in the gut. 

"There." He murmured above me. It was very painful for me and really uncomfortable It hurt like hell and I moaned, and he breathed deeply on my neck again. 

"You have to pull out, please. It's just hurts too bad. I have some lube in the nightstand..."

"Ok..."

I put lube on both him and myself and we started back again. We/I was determined rather than anxious, and after a few minutes of rearranging ourselves — success! It was painful at times, slightly uncomfortable all of the time, but I felt a deep pleasure in giving him pleasure.  I remember how slow and gentle he was — his responsiveness to my body language and his attention to my comfort. Honestly, the whole thing was a little awkward, too: switching positions, and not feeling sure what exactly to do or whether he was enjoying it. We tried a couple different positions including doggie style, but missionary seemed the best way for us.

Then, all of the sudden, it felt amazing. His breathing was really turning me on and I wrapped my legs around him. His breathing grew faster, and to my surprise, so did mine. I felt the buildup... Growing inside me. Like a sexual tidal wave of pleasure heading to my coastline. I braced myself and it hit! I screamed out in ecstasy. Violently shaking and thrashing and moaning... And when I came, he came too. It took us both a little while to calm down.  We just lay there, with his penis still in me. I could feel it getting smaller, but it never came out...

After that, he cuddled with me and we talked a little before falling asleep, naked in each others arms. 


I woke up around 3AM and felt so weird. I didn't remember what had happened and why this huge, dark naked person was in be with me... and why was I naked??? Then the memories came back...

I was scared to death, ashamed, sick to my stomach... I wanted to crawl into a hole and die! I started yelling.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!!! What in the hell have I done???" I remember seeing him stirring and waking up. I was staggering all over the room, knocking stuff over and tripping over it. 

"Bree!?!?!? What's wrong? Calm down and talk to me."

"What't wrong... What's wrong... We had sex!!! I had sex with a man!!! GET OUT!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!"

"Wait.. wait.. you were fine with this last night... I didn't do anything you didn't want to... Bree, talk to me!!!" He came over to me and grabbed my arm. I pulled away.

"Don't touch me! Never touch me again!!!" I had snapped. What was happening to me was all I could think about... I ran to my bedroom door, opened it and motioned for him to get out. "Leave now and never come back!!!"

"Ok... dammit! Let me get my clothes!"

"Just hurry! I want you out of here. NOW!!!"

He got dressed and headed for the door. He went through the living room and to the front door and turned to me. "Bree. I don't know what is happening, but..."

"Just go! Now!!! Please..." I was starting to sob... He went out the door. My eyes were full of tears. I was so damn mad at myself. I was furious. I staggered back to my room, knocking stuff over. I even think I did a roundhouse kick to a cheap grandfather clock because when I saw it yesterday, it was in a few hundred pieces all over the floor...

Also, this was on my camera... I thought I heard him taking a pic...

I'll probably never read this post again. I can't believe I'm putting this pic on here.
Seeing it again makes my skin crawl...

I guess this is when we were about to do it doggie style. He did eventually take that jewelry off. I made him. He scratched my belly with that damn watch right after this pic was taken.

That's the story. I do feel better now that I've written it all out... I still feel sick and nauseous. I just can't believe I let that happen. I, in no way right now, would even consider doing that. It was like it wasn't me. Like some other person was in control. I don't know how long it gonna take for me to get over this. I think about it and want to cry... I'm crying now, actually. I didn...t want to have sex... with a guy... 

Tonya came over on Sunday and has been staying with me. She cleaned me up. I had just been laying ini the bed. I hadn't taken a shower since it happened. I had his stuff... well... kinda gross I know, but it was still on me - on my "girl parts" and my legs. She's been a lifesaver. I don't know what I would have done if she'd not come over.

Ok. composed again.. sorta. Tonya just came in here with some amazing smelling dish she just made. I'm hungry too! She has been a lifesaver!!! I really do love this girl! She's an absolutely amazing friend!!!

(p.s. - Olivia, please come back. I'm so sorry!!! I miss you so much...")

Please stop calling me... Please stop calling me...

20 calls and 15 messages...

Didn't Answer The Call This Time...

About 30 minutes after I published that last post, Deon called. I didn't answer. He left a message. Deciding whether to listen to it or delete it...

...I listened.

"Hey Bree! Just thinking and wondering about ya, girl. Give me a call when you get this. Talk to ya then."

So yeah... Listened then deleted.

B

This is not Good!

I was about to get up to go to the bathroom and check things and then head to lunch with Olivia when I felt it hit and I almost lost my balance. Completely draining. Maybe it was coupled with me getting up too fast... Luckily I was still near my desk and kinda made it back to my chair and just flopped my upper body down on my desk. It felt like so much stuff just exited me... I quickly called Olivia and told her to just get some food for us and come here, that it was really bad and I probably couldn't drive right now. I waited a little bit and then I felt a little better and stood up slowly and made my way to the bathroom... I'll spare the details this time... It was bad,  that's all. Really bad.

Olivia got me the biggest cheeseburger she could find and made me eat the whole thing... I was kinda shocked because she's had me on a health kick lately, her and Tonya both. We talked a bit and she brought up the whole "Deon" thing and I told her that I didn't want to talk about it now but maybe when I got home. That's where we left it. She left and now I'm about to get back to work.

I didn't sleep well last night on top of all of this. I feel like I'm just sitting here, a shell of myself. Like I'm floating or something. It's taken me forever to to type this...

Until next time, if there is one...

Bree

Answered the Phone and Agreed to a Date... with a GUY!?!?!?

I answered the next time he called. I mean, what could it hurt, right.

Big mistake... probably.

He was extra charming. Smooth talking. I was rolling my eyes... "Come on dude," I thought...

As we talked for a little bit, I finally blurted out... "Deon, I'm already seeing someone." There was a silence...

"Ok, Bree. Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

"Ya know that girl that called me on the beach.. 'Wild Olivia'..."

"Are you a lesbian? You are, aren't you."

"Umm.. yes. Yes I am. Olivia's my girlfriend. We really like each other. So yeah, that's why I can't or don't want to date you. I'm so sorry. You seem like a really nice and quite interesting guy."

"Hey! That's cool. I understand. But, that doesn't mean we can't hang. Let's just go out as friends and get to know each other. You might be able to help me out..." He kinda laughed. "Nothing makes a guy seem more desirable than when he has a hot girl on his arm... ya know!"

"What's in it for me, Deon?"

"Free everything. I still pay for everything. I have lots to offer. I own two gyms and know some very well respected club owners that are always looking to book bands like yours. I gave you guys a listen. Hot stuff. You guys just need a push. I could help. See girl, this friendship could be a sweet deal for the both of us. Whatcha say?"

"Dammit Deon! Ok! I'm in! What time and where?"

"Dinner first. Your choice, babe."

"Ok. Umm... Cafe Bastille at 7pm."

"Ok. Then we're heading to Mansion and get crunk!!!"

"Ok Deon!" I laughed a little. "See ya then!"

"Bye girl!"


Oh god! What tha hell! Why did I just let him convince me to do that. He's so commanding. Dammit! I feel like he has some sort of power over me kinda like Tonya does... I hope this doesn't turn out bad...

So... I just finished getting ready. Olivia helped. She thinks it's kinda funny. Here's the pic. Still not too sure what to wear. It's not gonna be overtly sexy, I can say that for sure!

Still gonna maybe straighten my hair a little more then find something to wear. It's 5:45pm right now. I better hurry. Don't want to have my "man" waiting. Lol!

Wish me luck.. or something. No, definitely not luck... Wish me... umm... Just wish I have a good time with all things considered! I really hope he doesn't try anything. I'm really not in the mood for that. I just wanna hang out and have a good time.

Bye!

Neon Deon...

I know it's kinda late, but we slept in. BIG time! I actually had been a awake for a little while thanks to Molly and I've just been thinking about things... Those thoughts are another blog post...  My phone rang I got up and sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the screen and it was... DEON!!! I was just hoping that he'd forgotten about me. Looks like that's not the case. I didn't answer. He left a message. I listened. 

"Hey girl! It's Deon. Was planning on going out tonight and was wondering what you were up to. Would love to hang with you tonight. Give me a call back soon. I'll try you again in a little if I don't here from you soon. We'll talk then! Bye blue eyes!"

He's definitely quite forward! 

So, yeah... I'm not calling him back and I might not answer if he does. What do I do here? Tell him I'm already in a relationship with a girl... "Wild Olivia?"

We'll see what happens when it happens I guess. Gotta get Molly some food and clean out her litter box.

I can't believe I smiled here. Must be default Bree when a camera is pointed my way...
even if I'm pointing the camera. And yes, still in my PJs...

Laters!

What a Day... at the Beach!!!

Summer has already been here a few days, but I really never think of summer without July being involved. July is my favorite Summer month! It's just perfect. It's just always felt like summer to me when it gets here. July also brings more and more people to the beach. Which I've always liked! In my teen years though before I changed, more and more girls would start to come to the beach wearing less and less clothing. Even now, I sometimes find myself looking!

Here are some shots I've taken recently while at the beach...

Now, had I still been a guy, I never would have gotten away with taking that first shot. But, as a girl, they didn't seem to care that I was pointing a camera their way, if only for a second. The second one, I almost asked those girls if I could join them! That looked like fun! The third one... WOW! You should have seen that girl doing trick surfing rides. She was awesome!

Here's another pic... guess what was happening here...

While girls would tend to shy away from pics mostly, this guy didn't. I was sitting on my towel taking pics of some surfers and was just panning the beach when I came across him and he must have been watching me and had been waiting for me to pan across to him. I focused on him and he did this pose and I don't know why, but I snapped this photo... I kept the camera on him for like 2 more seconds and he did some more poses but I didn't take any more shots. I took my camera down and just looked his way. He was actually closer to me than I though and he waved at me and motioned for me to come over to where he was. 

I was a little nervous. I stuck my phone in my bikini bottom and I got up and went over to him. He looked to be helping like 10 kids build this enormous sandcastle. As you can see from the pic, he wasn't a bad looking guy...

"Hey girl! You wanna help me out over here? I'm just tryin' to help these kids build a really cool, big sandcastle? Any help would be appreciated!"

"Well, sure! I can stay for a bit. Do you have a plan or are you just going for 'cool and big.'"

"These kids don't care as long as it's 'cool and big.'"

"Ok then! Whatcha want me to do?"

"Well, you could come over here and help me fill these buckets up with sand. The kids are dumping them out and building. If needed, I'm just providing the 'muscle.'"

"Ok. Pass me a couple buckets."

"You know what? You look really familiar. I've seen you somewhere before. Damn... Where was it? What do you do?"

"Well, I play in a band... You might have seen me playing here in a club."

"No. That ain't it. You ever do any parties? Like DJing?"

"I don't think so... I did see some DJ equipment in my garage. I thought that was interesting..."

"Well... it sure looked like you. Take your shades off, if you will. Let me see those eyes."

"Oh... kay..."

"Damn! Had to be you! Damn hot piercing blue eyes... Not a pair I'd likely forget."

"Well, thanks! I'll take that as a compliment."

"You should! You got it going on girl! Nice tats as well! I bet those on your feet hurt like hell!"

"Yeah, they did. But I really wanted them so I said, to hell with it, and just sucked up the pain."

"That's cool! So, you from around here?"

"Yep. All my life."

"What's your name?"

"Bree." *to a kid... - "Oh, sorry hunny, me and this nice man were talking and we forgot to fill up more buckets. We'll get back to it won't we... umm..."

"Oh, sorry, name's Deon. I'm from here, too."

"Me and Deon will get you guys some more buckets." There was something about this guy. He was a commanding figure. He towered above me. I felt so small and vulnerable...

"You guys bring me and Bree here all the empty buckets and we'll get them all filled back up. So miss Bree, do you like kids?"

"Sure! They're great. Who are all these kids anyway?"

"Two are my nephews and one is my niece and the rest are their friends. I love coming out here and hanging with them. They're my sisters kids. Their dad's in Afghanistan for two year tour."

"How sweet! They probably love you for this - both your sister and the kids. I bet you're their favorite uncle!"

"Yeah! I am! And I say that because I'm their only uncle." He laughed a little. We continued filling sand into buckets as the kids came and got them for a little while. He really seems like a nice guy. "So... Bree... with the piercing blue eyes. What do you like to do for fun?"

"Well, I like to play a couple sports. I like to go clubbing. I play guitar. I like hanging with friends - driving my car... Swimming."

"Cool that you brought up clubbing... I was thinking about going out tonight. You wanna hang out some tonight and hit a couple spots later on the strip with me?"

Well shit! He's asking me out. Dammit. How did I let this happen. How did I not see this coming. This guy's smooth. He knows how to do this. This ain't his first rodeo. Think Bree... Think! "Can't tonight.  I'm meeting the singer of my band to go over ideas for three remaining songs left to work out for our cd. Thanks for the offer. Wanna hand me another bucket?"

"What about later this week. If you'll hand me your phone, I'll put my # in it for you. I just cleaned my hands off."

"Umm... Ok. Sure. Why not. We'll see, I guess. I'm not promising anything though!" 

"I'll just get it." He reached over to me and gently pulled my phone out of my bikini bottom while gently grazing his knuckles over the little fluff of skin that the bikini bottom pushes up as it hugs my belly and waist. It kinda sent chills through me. I'm thinking the bad kind of chills, but I wasn't sure. It really caught me off guard. I just wanted to leave but he had my phone and was putting his number in it... He was handing my phone back to me and it rang and he looked at it. "Damn! Who is this... 'Wild Olivia' hottie that's calling you?"

"What? Wild Olivia...?"

"Yeah. That's what it says. And the pic that came up is of a topless hottie looking all sexy."

"Let me have that!" He handed me the phone. "God! That's my roommate. She must have gotten my phone and changed the contact name and picture..."

"I've got a brother. When we go out, we should hook them up and they could hang with us!"

I answered the phone. "Hello. - I'm at the beach. - I saw that you changed my contact stuff. - Well, I wasn't the first person to see it!!! - Ok. Ok. It's cool! I'll leave it, promise! -  I'll be there in about 20 minutes. - Sounds really good! - Bye!"

"Bree! You leaving me?"

"Yeah, I gotta go. Olivia has cooked this hamburger casserole meal that's really amazing. I gotta take a shower and get over to meet with Josh after that about the songs... remember?"

"Oh yeah. I remember. Was cool hanging with you miss Bree. I'll call you. And you have my number now, too."

"Yeah. Yeah I guess I do... Goodbye Deon."

"Bye Blue Eyes!" That last single comment almost made me throw up...

Well! That turned uncomfortable real fast. I guess I somehow... sorta got mesmerized by his presence. I wish I would have realized what was happening and put some sort of defenses up. It took me way too long to realize what was happening. I guess some people just have a presence about them. He was definitely one of those people - and it was so easy to get drawn in. I don't think I was attracted to HIM, just attracted to something about him. I don't know. I didn't really... I'm not.. I'm not ready to deal with these thoughts that have been brought up now...

I'm just gonna have to tell this guy I don't swing from the same side of the plate that most girls do... I thought that maybe since he didn't get my number that he wouldn't be able to call me because he didn't know my number. But I checked my recent calls and he had called himself from my phone. So, I guess I'm just waiting for Deon to call me and ask me out just to get turned down again... Oh well! Sucks for him!

O's meal was wonderful, btw! It gave me heartburn, but it was so good!

Met with Josh... Just got home actually. Got maybe 1 1/2 of the songs in a good arrangement. The last one is just gonna be really laid back and mostly acoustic, so that one is really finished as well! It's kind of a ballad. Nice song!

Ok! Tomorrow's the 4th! Can't wait to go over to my parents house and celebrate. Dad always goes all out on fireworks! Gonna be fun! And, I'm also off for the rest of the week!!! Woo hoo! I think O wants to go out tonight! I hope we don't run into Deon!!!

Bye!!!